A long day…
As I am writing this I just have not been having a great day, this seems to be a common theme. I have been dealing with insurmountable loss and I guess I can not quite cope with that, compounded also by years of built up stress. Unfortunately I wake up with the same feeling every morning and it is a sucky way to start your day that’s for sure. It is a very difficult feeling that only some people (thankfully) can empathize with, when everything is going right yet you can not seem to snap out of it.
When dealing with loss there nobody can tell you how to grieve - for myself, I am a person who is very emotional and sentimental and I can wish I weren’t but thats how it is for me. I think it is important to highlight that it is okay for men to show their emotions, it is not a sign of weakness, as long as you can also recognize the importance of addressing those issues.
I have had a lot of time to assess what led me to this point and recognize that while I thought I was doing alright, I was neglecting the the things I needed to work on. I fully realize the error of my ways and it is terrible that it got to this point to realize that, it is such a guilty feeling. I wrote off years of underlying stress and took it out in the wrong way, not by anger or anything, but failing in a different way that I can’t quite describe. However hindsight is 20/20 and I really hate that.
It is important to keep occupied. What I do is work as much as possible, I work two jobs to keep my mind going, hit the gym and repeat. I find that the things I enjoyed do not quite bring that anymore. For example, I have decided to quit my soccer team as I feel I am at a point where it no longer brings the same joy as before, probably because of my past injuries, but I feel I need to maybe try a new hobby maybe. I have become really interested in watches. Never really cared for them but it is something I find cool now and hope to get my first proper one soon.
The other day, my mom said to me she just wants to see me smile again because I haven’t been able to in months. It does hurt me to make those around me sad. My family has been supportive while they are grieving as well in their own way. There are multiple days a week where I will just cry for sometimes hours in front of them and they do not shame me for it, they have been very supportive and I am lucky to have that. I know myself far too well to know I will remain very upset, I can’t change that. However I am trying to do what is in my control to at least demonstrate I am not trying to be this way on purpose and I am actively trying to improve. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed as they say. I was referred to an anxiety clinic which I went to and was vulnerable and honest, but they did not take me on. I do have a Psychiatrist booked through my family doctor but that is still a month away. I have been recommended for an invasive treatment plan and I am trying to weigh my options. I have taken it upon myself to pay privately to try to get the help needed and try to avoid the option provided. That ties into my issue with this health care system, it is extremely hard to get those supports fast and many people can not afford to get help and it is a shame. I am not a harm to people whatsoever, I care for others alot I simply am an upset person and it sucks that you are looked on differently because of that, believe me, i have been in the hospital 3 times and can tell you from experience that this is what determines their triage practices.
I am not always this negative. I have a big heart and wish to bring that back, I just am not sure how. I would give anything for those I care for, possibly too much so. I find that writing on this page can maybe help somebody who is afraid to admit they are upset and give them the courage to be open and honest because there is nothing wrong with that. I am willing to sacrifice my privacy if it helps somebody feel comfortable to seek help.
Not everything is bad, I am having a look at a condo tomorrow that I always thought was nice. I am a bit undecided whether to pull the trigger now or later in the summer but it never hurts to have a look. I don’t need alot, I love to cook, I have not done so lately sadly but having my own kitchen would be cool. All I want is a framed Chelsea jersey, my favourite soccer team on my wall, a book shelf as I have gotten back into reading and something to feel proud about, something I can call my own. For the people who do not know me, you have no idea the hoops I had to jump through to get to this point.
I attached a picture of my Kitten, Yuzu, who loves to lay with me when she knows I am down. I have another kitten, her sister Binoo and she is great too, I really love them.
In the end, I hope to whoever is reading this that it is okay to need help. I did call it Uzenko Unfiltered for a reason. I am hoping to dissect these feelings a bit better, I find this to be my sort of journal of sorts, where at least maybe my thoughts might relate and help somebody out. I truly enjoy doing this. I plan to get more work done on the policy front, just needed a bit of a breather lately.
Thanks for reading
