Appointment Update

Afternoon! After 3 months of waiting, I was finally able to sit down with a Psychiatrist. I have been really looking forward to this, hoping to get some relief but unfortunately, it was just another hour long session of me saying the same story to the 5th person. At the end of it, I was given a new set of names to contact. I honestly was excited to finally get some real help and thought I finally had reached the end of the red tape if that makes sense.

I left feeling deflated. I was told I had good coping mechanisms in place already, which sucks because I was trying to explain that what I am doing currently clearly is not helping as much as I would like. One thing I will mention is that I was recommended for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is the second time I was told I need that. I will defenitely look into it, but the DR framed it in a way that left me kind of comfused - he gave me the name of a place to go and said “a dog could teach it.” That does not exactly sell me on attending the program but nonetheless, I am going to look into it. My family doctor also is trying to set me up for Ketamine Therapy but I am apprehensive, due to the potential side affects and just the extreme nature of the treatment. I forsure will do more research before taking that route.

This only furthers my point that our healthcare system is systematically flawed. Months of waiting, being rushed when you finally get a chance and no real answers. The problem is clear, people in similar situations like me are looking for solutions. I have decided to go the private route. While extremely expensive, it is crazy that I found a place that suits what I am looking for that could schedule me the next day. It really sucks that the price to enter into private treatments are so unaffordable for Canadians.

I am going to leave this update with a bit of positivity. On Monday, I was able to have a check in meeting for my new job. I was happy to know that the leadership team see’s good things in me. One thing that stood out was when one of my bosses said that I possess a certain something she can not describe - a certain thing about my character that is outstanding. She also noted that at 24, I think and act like I am 44. Later that evening I met with my realtor who mentioned to my mom that the place I got is very hard to get accepted for, but the way I carry myself is what prompted them to consider me. I take pride in having a good, approachable and meaningful character and to have that reinforced by people who make decisions in your life felt nice to hear. The reason I brought that up is that it is okay to go through things and it is okay to feel beaten down, but to remain dependable, thoughtful and polite will open doors for you. Kindness goes a long way in such a cruel world.

Have a good rest of your day!

Men’s Mental Health Month - My Story

I recently read a harrowing article provided by the CAMH. Key highlights:

- Men in Canada account for nearly 75% of suicide deaths
- Men die by suicide at 3x the rate of women
- Men are less likely to seek mental health support

It is important to understand the background into why this is happening. Of course, there is nuance to this topic, but in my personal opinion, societal expectations play a major role in why men are more reserved in regards to mental health. I fully understand why mental health is sort of a taboo topic for men. As men, we are natural born protectors, we feel a need to put others needs before our own. I am speaking from experience, I would always look out for other people and make sure that I can help quell their issues, big or small, even if it meant it would make my life a little more challenging because to me, I do not mind having to persevere a bit more if the people I love and care for are better off. I do not think this is necessarily a bad thing in a sense, it is okay to want to be a beacon of light for others, if that is naturally who you are. For myself, my sense of fulfillment comes from the fact of knowing I made somebodies day easier.

I wanted to preface this all to help those reading this understand my point of view and why I can understand these statistics. It is not something I have shared publicly, but recently I lost my long term girlfriend. Quite honestly I was blindsided by the situation. As I have had alot of time, maybe too much to reflect, I realize how naive I was. Leading up to this happening there was a lot of stresses in my life. While I am not going to get into them here, I now acknowledge that while I thought that I was present, I would hold in this stress I had so much that I would eventually explode and become very depressed. During these times I would remain available, but would not be myself, making it hard for her to understand why I could be so happy one day and down the next. While I have always been in tune with myself and am able to express why I am feeling some type of way, it took the biggest pain in my life to realize I would do nothing to combat my stresses. In hindsight I was content with myself, I felt secure and ignored this wonderful person’s suggestions on how to combat it.

Before this next part, I want to make a few things very clear - this person did absolutely nothing to hurt me. You could not ask for a better person to be around. So charismatic, bubbly and overall such a creative person who complimented me well. With her, she gave me a sense of confidence. I learned so much, it was great to be with a person who could take over a room with her character. She helped me come out of my shell. I do have to admit, there were many times I remained apprehensive to being more charismatic and for lack of a better word, extroverted in a sense. I always struggled with being nervous around people I don’t know. She just wanted to have somebody by her side and because of my own struggles sometimes I could not be that. I know this took a toll on her and I neglected that. When she decided she could no longer take it, I did not know what to do with myself. This fact, along with the other mounting stresses in my life that I won’t mention brought me to the brink of suicide. I am not proud to talk about this, but I had come up with my plan and everything. As I have mentioned in the past, everything started going right for me right when she broke off from me and I could not understand why. I was so angry that everything I was working for the past 5 years was coming true and all the stress I was under was going away right after she left. I was so angry with myself for letting this happen.

I now realize that everything started working out because I HAD to do something now. I was no longer able to be content. I can’t act like I feel any better, because I don’t. I wake up everyday miserable. Not angry, but miserable because of what I let happen. This best analogy I can compare this feeling to is when you have a dream where you won the lottery and you wake up with that sunken feeling in your stomach. Now imagine that everyday for months on end, it is hell.

I know she would be proud of the progress I made. It pains me that she can not see it. It is honestly like night and day. While I was far happier before, I did not have the success I am having now. I would give up everything to go back in time with what I have learned from this experience and rectify the situation. I have not a single bad thing to say, honestly, these past 5 years were the most special and happiest of my life. I am very sentimental and so the small things are what kill me the most everyday. All I can hope is that she is having the success that I always told her she would have because that is what she deserves.

Anyways, I thought it was important for those who have followed along with my journey understand why this topic means something to me. I know what it is like to feel like there is no other option. I know how it feels to stuff your emotions deep down and hope for the best. I know how it feels to lose the greatest blessings in your life. I know how it feels to be suicidal. My goal for this post is not to get pity, I don’t need that, but rather really open up and give an in depth look at why men make up the majority of suicides. For any man reading this post, I hope you can use my story to help shape your future and learn from the horrible mistake I made. Always remember to be open and honest with those around you. It is okay to be a natural born giver, but you can not pick a perfect fruit from a dead tree. Hold yourself to the same regard you hold others in and good things will follow.

Have a good weekend

-Mike

Weekly update #6

Hello! Hope all are well. It has been a busy week. I have been trying to find things to keep occupied, small things like just going for walks, reading etc. I do have my soccer starting tonight which is good. I initially tried to back out and just remain as the teams manager but it was too late and it probably was a blessing in disguise, gives me a reason to get out of the house. Going to occupy my time this weekend furniture shopping, I am starting to figure out what theme I want the living room, bedroom and den to have, they will be all unique so that is fun to think about. One thing I am looking forward to when I move is to start cooking more. I always like to try out new recipes and already have a few in mind. I don’t know if I am just way too OCD lol but having the fridge and cabinets stocked with all stuff that I pick excites me. It is the little things I am looking forward to like that.

I have got some leads on some cool projects that I am looking into.

It has by no means been an easy week. I am trying my best though, I refuse to remain stagnant. It is rewarding to “fight through the pain.” However it sucks when you get those really heavy realizations, which happen quite often. Do not really have the advice to give others on how to handle that if I am honest. Always open to suggestions. I really want to collaborate and help whoever may need it in any capacity I can.

Anyways, I hope everyone has a good weekend and please enjoy a picture of my cat that I took the other day that I love, it looks like she is a witch stirring over a cauldron or something lol I have a reference picture that it reminds me of that I need to find.

All the best

My way of combatting stress

Good afternoon everybody. It seems to be never ending unfortunately, but I once again am coming off of a very rough weekend. I think weekends are the worst for me since I do not have anything to keep my mind busy like I do during the week. I did try something new, I planted some flowers and touched up the front yard to try to get my mind off of what has been a nightmare. I do not like to give too much personal info away, but a family member very close to me is very sick and having a really rough go at the moment. The type of person I am, I cannot sit around and not try to do everything I can to help. I put my aspirations to move on pause, thankfully until August. I have signed the lease and can still have that to look forward to but until then I am going to do everything I can to support my family during what is arguably their toughest time of their life.

I get really affected by this kind of stuff. I have been trying to get myself feeling better but there have been some curveballs, like this situation for instance. While I am doing alright to navigate them, I have found things especially difficult lately. Maybe it’s the weather getting nicer having an adverse affect on me, who knows. I do not have an outlet to help quell my frustrations which makes it very difficult for me. I have essentially given this backstory as a means to help understand the cover picture of this post.

I come to this park whenever I need to reflect. That tree reminds me of a more happy time in life and being able to sort of reflect there helps give me some temporary relief. The way I tend to combat stress is by connecting with things that have meaning to me. I am a very sentimental person and find that for me at least, while it does bring out emotions, connecting with small little things that brought me joy helps to clear my head a bit.

It may not work for everyone, but for me it does. That, along with these posts have helped. I am a private person and it took alot of courage to be open in this sense, but find it important to remain honest with myself. I made this section not to sugar coat things, but to give a relatable look for somebody who may not be doing as well as they would like to.

Small things like going to a park is rudimentary to most but for me, takes alot. I have been afraid to leave the house. Unfortunately I do not go out, even going into a store bothers me right now. This has happened once before and it is a hard feeling to describe to somebody who hasn’t felt like that. At that time I had really great supports in place so it has been a challenge. That is not to say I do not have them now, I just need to adjust to a new kind of support that is not necessarily the same. This does not mean I simply will just give up and never go outside again, I just am working up the courage to do it at my own pace.

It is crucial to find your own thing to help you dissect your thoughts, whether that be through sports, art or something like a good memory.

It is a marathon, not a sprint. I find it important to remain true to yourself, as that is the only way you will identify and fix a problem. I have made great strides in terms of finding things that work for me. That in no way shape or form fixes things, but it is a start and I hope anyone reading this can gain the courage to do that as well.

Weekly Update #4

Hello! Hope all is well. Pretty similar week to the others, just have been working alot. I have been consistent in the gym so I am seeing improvement which is cool. There is a long weekend coming up which normally I would be more excited for but I don’t have anything going on, think I am going to just work on my resume, its always important to update at least quarterly in my opinion. Apart from that, just go to the gym, clean and maybe read a bit. I got accepted into the condo I mentioned last time which is interesting, so I will mull over that over the weekend as well, we shall see. I also like to cook/bake so maybe I will bake some cookies or something.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend and if you have plans, let me know!

Weekly Update #3

Bit delayed in posting this. Nothing really of note in the past week. Looks like I will get the condo I mentioned in the last post which is cool, just need to decide whether to pull the trigger now or later as I don’t really have anything pressing to make me need to rush. I just have been trying to keep myself as occupied as possible, which is difficult especially when you don’t really have the motivation but giving it my best. One thing I vowed to work on was following through with things. In the past, even things that aren’t even a big deal I would constantly find myself trying to avoid them. Even if I don’t want to do something, like last weeks marathon for example, I am doing it anyways which is a decent improvement.

I feel pretty weird putting these out in the public but I guess it is my way of holding myself accountable. I hope everyone is enjoying the warmer weather!

Have a great week

A long day…

As I am writing this I just have not been having a great day, this seems to be a common theme. I have been dealing with insurmountable loss and I guess I can not quite cope with that, compounded also by years of built up stress. Unfortunately I wake up with the same feeling every morning and it is a sucky way to start your day that’s for sure. It is a very difficult feeling that only some people (thankfully) can empathize with, when everything is going right yet you can not seem to snap out of it.

When dealing with loss there nobody can tell you how to grieve - for myself, I am a person who is very emotional and sentimental and I can wish I weren’t but thats how it is for me. I think it is important to highlight that it is okay for men to show their emotions, it is not a sign of weakness, as long as you can also recognize the importance of addressing those issues.

I have had a lot of time to assess what led me to this point and recognize that while I thought I was doing alright, I was neglecting the the things I needed to work on. I fully realize the error of my ways and it is terrible that it got to this point to realize that, it is such a guilty feeling. I wrote off years of underlying stress and took it out in the wrong way, not by anger or anything, but failing in a different way that I can’t quite describe. However hindsight is 20/20 and I really hate that.

It is important to keep occupied. What I do is work as much as possible, I work two jobs to keep my mind going, hit the gym and repeat. I find that the things I enjoyed do not quite bring that anymore. For example, I have decided to quit my soccer team as I feel I am at a point where it no longer brings the same joy as before, probably because of my past injuries, but I feel I need to maybe try a new hobby maybe. I have become really interested in watches. Never really cared for them but it is something I find cool now and hope to get my first proper one soon.

The other day, my mom said to me she just wants to see me smile again because I haven’t been able to in months. It does hurt me to make those around me sad. My family has been supportive while they are grieving as well in their own way. There are multiple days a week where I will just cry for sometimes hours in front of them and they do not shame me for it, they have been very supportive and I am lucky to have that. I know myself far too well to know I will remain very upset, I can’t change that. However I am trying to do what is in my control to at least demonstrate I am not trying to be this way on purpose and I am actively trying to improve. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed as they say. I was referred to an anxiety clinic which I went to and was vulnerable and honest, but they did not take me on. I do have a Psychiatrist booked through my family doctor but that is still a month away. I have been recommended for an invasive treatment plan and I am trying to weigh my options. I have taken it upon myself to pay privately to try to get the help needed and try to avoid the option provided. That ties into my issue with this health care system, it is extremely hard to get those supports fast and many people can not afford to get help and it is a shame. I am not a harm to people whatsoever, I care for others alot I simply am an upset person and it sucks that you are looked on differently because of that, believe me, i have been in the hospital 3 times and can tell you from experience that this is what determines their triage practices.

I am not always this negative. I have a big heart and wish to bring that back, I just am not sure how. I would give anything for those I care for, possibly too much so. I find that writing on this page can maybe help somebody who is afraid to admit they are upset and give them the courage to be open and honest because there is nothing wrong with that. I am willing to sacrifice my privacy if it helps somebody feel comfortable to seek help.

Not everything is bad, I am having a look at a condo tomorrow that I always thought was nice. I am a bit undecided whether to pull the trigger now or later in the summer but it never hurts to have a look. I don’t need alot, I love to cook, I have not done so lately sadly but having my own kitchen would be cool. All I want is a framed Chelsea jersey, my favourite soccer team on my wall, a book shelf as I have gotten back into reading and something to feel proud about, something I can call my own. For the people who do not know me, you have no idea the hoops I had to jump through to get to this point.

I attached a picture of my Kitten, Yuzu, who loves to lay with me when she knows I am down. I have another kitten, her sister Binoo and she is great too, I really love them.

In the end, I hope to whoever is reading this that it is okay to need help. I did call it Uzenko Unfiltered for a reason. I am hoping to dissect these feelings a bit better, I find this to be my sort of journal of sorts, where at least maybe my thoughts might relate and help somebody out. I truly enjoy doing this. I plan to get more work done on the policy front, just needed a bit of a breather lately.

Thanks for reading

Toronto Marathon Done

Yesterday I completed the Toronto Half Marathon.

To be honest it was one of the most challenging things I have done. To be quite honest, I was not able to train for 3 weeks, I have not been feeling at my best, however, I knew I made a promise so I got it done anyways. By the time I hit around KM 7, my body had fully given out. My shoulders hurt, my knees were hurting, calves and hamstrings were on fire and I still had 14 KM to go.

At that point is when you have to reach deep and mentally drag yourself to the finish line. Something I have been trying to do is try to test my mental fortitude and so this was good for me to get done. When you are down like I have been, the last thing you want is extra time alone with your thoughts, which I had plenty of, so that for sure was a big obstacle as well.

I did not break any records, but am happy I finished just under the 3 hour mark. It was also a good feeling to know I raised money for a good cause.

Just like when I did the around the bay race, once I crossed the finish line, I immediately thought “now what?” Which I guess is a good and bad thing. Good in the sense that I am trying to do more things to challenge myself, but bad because I am not quite sure what to do yet.

I made this blog section to provide an unfiltered look into my life. I cannot sugar coat anything, that is inauthentic. I am comfortable enough in myself to acknowledge I am going through a hard time and I do not process things like most people and it sucks, however, I am trying my best. There are some positives in regards to my petition and life in general and I am trying my best to remain positive about them.

I am not quite sure if anybody reads these which is fine, just feels alright to put my thoughts out there and I hope that maybe I can inspire somebody to do something they don’t want to do.

-Mike

Weekly Update #2

Good afternoon! Hope everybody had a good week. I have been alright, same old stuff. I am constantly working, trying to keep my mind busy. I have been pretty consistent in the gym lately and am starting to notice a difference. I was always insecure about how I looked but am starting to feel a bit more confident which is cool, it’s okay to feel unconfident at times, but it is not okay to do nothing about it!

I have the Toronto Marathon this sunday and I am very nervous. I know that no amount of training (which I have had little of lately which sucks) will prepare me for this and that is why I did it. I want to push myself mentally to a place I thought uncapable. I also have been able to raise money for CMHA Toronto which is great.

Please let me know how your week went if seeing this!

All the best

Weekly Update

I have decided that every friday I will give a more informal update on how I have been, progress I have made in this campaign I am doing etc. I think it is important to highlight the highs, but also the low’s. We are not robotic and I think it is important to highlight that the work I am doing has its difficulties.

The Toronto Marathon that I had committed to completed is in 9 days time. Since my last 10 K fundraiser run, I have not been able to train. I have my house twice in the past 2 weeks for appointments only, thankfully I work from home. Going to give the gym a go tonight, at least it is something. I am having a very hard time at the moment and I can empathize with what majority of people viewing this page is going through.

I will not let this jeopardize my run though. Old me would cancel it and I refuse to go back to that version of myself. I am going to push myself, no matter how insanely difficult it is going to be. I am by no means a runner and this is going to test my mental fortitude massively. I am proud of the money I am raising for CAMH Toronto and hope this can encourage somebody in the same boat to do something they don’t think they can do. I never felt like I could do anything meaningful and this whole experience has proven me wrong.

I did have a positive meeting with somebody prominent in this space which is encouraging. I am hoping to build off of that! I am connecting with the right people to turn my petition into actionable change that is forsure.

I hope your weekend goes well

Mike

Concerning Trends…

Since 2020, has mental health in Ontario improved or worsened in your opinion?

The data shows a concerning trend. From 2020 to 2025, the share of Ontarians reporting poor to fair mental health rose from 26.2% to 29%. Among seniors, antidepressant use increased by 6% (data directly from Centre for Addiction and Mental Health).

So why, five years into a $3.8 billion investment through the Roadmap to Wellness, aren’t outcomes improving?

I’m gathering real experiences to advocate for better mental health investment.

If you’ve sought help, what worked and what didn’t for you? Positive stories matter just as much as challenges. It is crucial to use live experiences when analyzing such a fragile topic.

No matter whether you lean left or right, our government works for us. Change starts with us

Your voice matters

The Start

Hello! I thought it would be cool to use this section as a sort of blog/announcement page kind of thing where I can interact in a more informal tone because at the end of the day, we are only “professional” in 25% ish percent of our lives. I am doing this on my own and from scratch so the site and way I go about things will change but to be honest I am shocked that I could even do this, pretty cool to see.

I will have an announcement in maybe a week or two with a small project off the back of this that hopefully is cool and I can grow upon.

It is friday today, I have nothing going on, I really never do but I can keep working on this so that’s good. I started a new job this week though which is different. Hope everyone seeing this has a good weekend!

Anyways this will be short today, just wanted to introduce this page and I will pose a question and hopefully get some feedback - I am always open to new ideas and am curious if anybody has some suggestions on what I can do to make a difference? I need to step out of my comfort zone so please let me know!

-Mike